I've been struggling with how to handle this for the last week or so, and I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing even as I'm typing this out. This is such a departure from the crap that's usually on this blog that I feel like I need a disclaimer.
My dad died 3 weeks ago. He had been sick for a few months but we were supposed to have way more time to say goodbye. Things didn't go according to plans, and instead of the 12-18 months we were hoping for, we got 10 weeks. Dad died on Saturday, Nov. 13, at home with people who loved him nearby.
My dad read this blog, and I'm pretty sure he had no idea what I was talking about half the time. Which, incidentally, made him like most of the people who read this blog. He would even tell me he thought my blog was pretty weird, but it cracked him up sometimes, and he would tell his sisters about it, etc., which kinda ruled.
There were a whole lot of times I'm pretty sure he had no idea what to make of me as well, but he always got a kick out of my quick temper or my crazy-ass moods, especially if I got on a good rant when we were talking...he'd laugh kinda-quietly (he was a big man, couldn't do anything quietly, and was notoriously bad at whispering) and try to change topics, whether I wanted to quit ranting or not.
He thought it was cool that I still skated, and he'd ask me about graphic design or sports or something else that I was always talking about. He loved that I lived in a big city and would constantly make comments about how I must know more about X or Y just b/c I lived in DC. The truth is that except for skateboarding and graphic design, there weren't very many topics I could lecture him on. He was always the smartest guy in every room and the smartest person I've ever met. I always wished I could be more like him in how I dealt with people, or controlled my emotions, or whatever, but I always loved our differences and appreciated how well we got along despite being polar opposites in so many ways.
Now that he's gone, I'm kinda lost. I don't know what to make of it all, and I don't know what to do next. We all knew this day was coming when he got sick; advanced lung cancer doesn't have many survivors. The funny thing is that I thought I was ready for what was coming. Looking back, I had no idea how naive that was. The truth is that you're never ready to say goodbye to a parent, and now that he's gone, I can't believe it happened. It still seems surreal and kinda impossible that I can't just call him right now.
If you'd like to read a little more about my dad, here's his obituary. He was a great guy who had to battle through some tough things these last few years, but he fought through it all as best he could and made me proud of him. Some people can never overcome their demons, and just destroy their lives instead. Dad powered through his and taught me more than he could ever imagine along the way.
This wasn't supposed to be a full write-up about my dad, because to be honest most of that stuff isn't for anyone but me. I guess I've just written so much about my stupid life on this blog that to not write about losing dad felt like lying. Now that I've written about him, it feels like a joke to write about anything else, so I guess this is it.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and bearing with my never-ending rants for the last few years. Thanks for reading about my dad, someone most people I know have never met. And huge thanks to everyone who has reached out and supported my family and I over the last few weeks. I know some of the efforts might have seemed stupid or insignificant at the time, but I can't tell you how much we appreciated all of it.
I guess I'm saying goodbye now. I still don't know what that means.
KM
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