The End is Nigh

I'm pretty sure we're going to be under attack soon.

The evidence is all around us, but we've been too busy watching TV to notice. Distracted by political conventions, impending hurricanes, and high gas prices, we've let our guard down. Now we're going to pay the price.

The first clue was a little blip a few weeks ago about a strange monster (dead) that washed up on the shores of Montauk, New York. For those of you who don't know this stuff, Montauk is only a few miles from Plum Island, a government research center and likely birthplace of anthrax, mad cow disease, flying monsters and possibly the undead.

Scientists claimed it was a dead raccoon or dog or something, but I knew better. There's only one thing it could be: El Chupcabra, the mexican blood-sucking goat killer (for authentic El Chupacabra info, including an awesome song about the beast, check this out).

Soon after, some guy got this footage of the chupacabra jogging along a dirt road. Notice how it has no fear of people or cars? That's because it knows that it can attack you and suck your blood.



I can't believe the filmer made it out alive. The beast must have had its fill of goat blood already that day.

Soon after, some guys down in Georgia found a dead bigfoot. Now, maybe the scientific tests came back as human and possum DNA, but i'm guessing that's because we don't have the proper technology to test for animals like this. Stupid science.

Plus, my sister is a science teacher by way of a fancy private college, and she's a newfound bigfoot believer. If she believes, you should.

And now, the final piece of the puzzle. This week, some scientists (read: nerds) in Sweden got some newfangled camera that picks up heat or cosmic rays or something, and it found this serpent-like creature serpenting along in the waters of Loch Ness. That's right, it's Nessie, and she looks like she's ready to attack. For those of you who don't read non-english, here's the AFP story, so you can read up on your facts before watching the video.

Land attack: check. Water attack: check. Even a beach assault has been covered. We're surrounded.

The invasion has begun.

Lock your doors. Get your flamethrower and harpoons ready, because the next knock at the door is probably a monster or maybe even a zombie. Kill everything just to be sure.