Destination: Cuba

So last night I was watching TV, and one of those 'Lockup' shows was on. They followed two guys in jail: a 22-year-old kid in an extended Juvenile Jail (everyone in there was between 18-22, all for non-violent stuff), and the other was a twitchy loner kid in a medium security prison for pulling a knife at the mall or something. For some reason Knife Guy got 10 years, even though he didn't have a prior record. I'm guessing his lawyer might have been new.

The Juvenile Jail guy was pretty much a punk-ass little dude, and was constantly pushing the guards, trying to get away with all kinds of crap, getting in fights, etc....But he could pretty much hold his own, and dealt with prison life pretty well.

Knife Guy, though, was in trouble. He had no friends, was a white guy, and not a nazi, so he's basically alone in prison. Not cool. Apparently this prison was a known proving ground for inmates. This means they fight nonstop to show how tough they are. Knife Guy is about 5'8", 240 pounds, not a muscle on him. Total doughboy. And even though he practiced some made-up Kung Fu in his cell, I don't think he could kick his own ass.

Basically, the countdown was on, and it's a race to see whether he gets his ass kicked or gets raped. Or both. Before long he's getting stomped daily.

Now, I'm watching this and thinking if it was me, I'd talk to the guards or the warden and get thrown in solitary. Then I'd be alone, and no more fear of rapings or ass-kickings.

Not so fast, though-that's what Knife Boy tried, and the guards told everyone he requested Protective Custody. Anyone who didn't think he was a coward did now.

It made me realize that my only chance would be to just go crazy and kill somebody the first day I was locked up. I'd probably have to eat the guy or something, too, so that everyone would think I was nuts and leave me alone.

But this plan only works if I'm already in jail for murder, you know? If I'm in for robbing banks or fixing football games and then I kill someone, I'm going to stay in jail for a long time. I've never killed anyone, so I bet I'm going to suck at it, and I'll get caught.

So if I'm not going to jail for murder, I'm heading for Florida and taking a raft down to Cuba. I'm pretty sure they don't extradite to the U.S., and I'll just bring some blue jeans or Elvis posters or something and sell them on the black market until I get a job fixing soccer games or robbing banks.

So there you go. Problem solved. Pretty much a foolproof plan.