No Dead Fish

UPDATED 8/21
Now that I've gotten a little older (33, bitches), I've got a bunch of friends with kids. Most of them have girls (poor bastards, just wait 'till they start dating), but for those who have boys, I have one piece of very, very important advice:

Teach your kid how to execute a proper handshake.

A good handshake is important for girls, although most girls can probably get away with being a little less firm, especially if you're a runway model or french, and you do that little thing where you just shake with your fingers.

I'm not talking about the number of pumps, or the two-handed grab, or any of that fanciness. I mean, teach your kid how to shake hands with authority, like you're closing a business deal for an oil rig or something.

This means you need to grab the other person's hand firmly; that's your first move. If your fingers lightly caress the inside of their palm, you need to start over. There's no need to roll their knuckles with your vise-like grip. That's for guys wearing Under Armour shirts and wraparound Oakley Blades. Just grab ahold like you're pulling yourself up a ladder, give it a firm pump or two, and release the hand.

There is no faster way to being discounted than by giving the limp-wristed handshake. That puts you on Pee-Wee Herman levels. You're basically that guy at the party with lettuce in his teeth. Nobody is going to tell you to get it together, but they'll all remember your sorry-ass excuse for a handshake.

Do your kids a favor. Teach 'em how to shake hands properly. They may still be Pee-Wee Herman-ish, but at least they won't shake with the dead fish.