Lurker Alley

Confession Time

2011-12-11T11:40:00.001-05:00

So for the last few years, whenever given the chance, I've trash-talked the iPhone. I ripped on it for being a crappy phone, for being a huge time suck, and just basically b/c I hated the overall iPhone culture.

Well, I bought an iPhone, and it's pretty spectacular. Now I'm lurking on it non-stop, mouth agape, tapping away at the screen like every other assface out there.

It's still a shitty phone (drops at least 2x as many calls as my Droid), but everything else on it is pretty sweet.

So there. I said it. The iPhone is pretty sweet. Now I need to drink something strong to get this taste outta my mouth.

Eat That Turkey

2011-11-26T14:31:00.001-05:00

Spent Turkey Day 2011 in Baltimore with my ladyfriend's family, where we ate a kickass fried turkey. I've gone the fried turkey route once before with my family, and after my 2nd round, I'm hooked. So much better. Dare I say it was a moist, succulent bird.

My favorite job is to stand outside and watch the turkey cook in oil. If I smoked cigars, that would be a perfect complement, but I just drank beer as my turkey-cooking activity, and it was pretty great.

I did fail at my only real job, which was to push a button when some light started blinking. I pushed it once the blinking started, but the blinking did not stop. I did nothing else, and was shortly thereafter relieved of duty.

After gorging for two days, I've been pretty much immobile since.

Big thanks to the Ladyfriend's Family for hosting me and giving me simple jobs. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Way Back in the Day

2011-11-12T11:14:00.001-05:00

The family (missing a few) pre-kids, circa 1974. It's great to see this photo and so hard to look at it at the same time.

I love how Rusty can't fit under the porch roof. And I have no idea who that guy is sitting down in front.

We all miss you, Dad.

Back in the day...

2011-11-04T09:41:00.001-04:00

...I was always pumped for Halloween.

All Hallow's Eve

2011-10-29T19:28:00.002-04:00

Still the best holiday ever. If you're not in a costume you're doing it wrong.

Walker History

2011-10-17T23:53:00.003-04:00

The Walking Dead is back, and the first episode was pretty kickass. Equally rad are the online webisodes, which should tide me over until the next episode is on. These focus on the first days of the zombie takeover, and focus on a soon-to-be-famous zombie lady.

Just for the record, during these first few days, I'm hoping I'll recognize what's going down and already be in my fortified hillside bunker. All my preparation must not go to waste.

You'll probably have to watch a commercial first to see the video, but deal with it. If you watched the first episode of season 2, you were treated to about 90 commercials, so one more won't hurt.

Miami Lurkin

2011-10-09T11:29:00.002-04:00

Looks like 9th Street is the place to go. Who needs South Beach when you can lurk streetside?

via ECS

Gawdang Superstarr

2011-10-08T12:29:00.000-04:00

If I could dance like this I'd quit my job and travel the globe. Boom boxes for all:

I swear this was in a skate video or something...looks familiar. Or maybe I'm just in tune with those moves on a cellular level.

via MikeG

Steve Jobs

2011-10-05T21:36:00.000-04:00

It's pretty hard to imagine what the world would be like today if Steve Jobs had never been around. A pretty amazing person, and it was good to read he was with family at the end.

Princess in a Mustache

2011-09-30T00:00:00.001-04:00

I walked into my boss' office the other day, and he was just dying laughing looking at his computer. I found out why quickly:

Ice cream.

Baby in a bar

2011-09-03T19:51:00.002-04:00

Evan's looking thirsty. Someone get that little fella a drink.

Shower Beer

2011-09-03T19:30:00.002-04:00

A cousin of shower coffee. Usually only seen on weekends.

Trenta y Seiz

2011-08-14T11:00:00.004-04:00

Holy shit. How did I get to be 36?

Bad knees, a bad back, insomnia, occasionally shaky innards and a refusal to act my age. Seems about right.

On the plus, side, I'm still skating, making dick jokes and eating McDonald's egg mcmuffins.

Here's to another year trying to learn some new stuff while still doing the stuff that got me here.

When I grow up...

2011-07-30T08:47:00.003-04:00

...I want to be Ron Allen. 48 and still shredding:

Paradise Wheels - Ron Allen park day from paradise wheels on Vimeo.

Walkers

2011-07-25T22:15:00.000-04:00

Season 2 coming soon. So pumped!

Heavy Debates

2011-07-23T12:36:00.004-04:00

3+ minutes of Flynn and I arguing about a curb we skated:

The important thing is that I was right. And that Flynn will use babies as poker chips.

video via BusinessMike

Stupid Yinzers

2011-07-21T08:04:00.004-04:00

Don't they know you're supposed to fight with fans of the other team? I guess they're kinda new to this whole 'winning at baseball' thing.

Maybe they were fighting over who has to sit next to that annoying chick. I'd take a punch just to get outta that inhumane treatment. When she opens her mouth you know it smells like sauerkraut and cigarette butts.

Oh yeah, and F Pittsburgh.

Skewed

2011-07-21T07:53:00.003-04:00

If this little test had been run with bacon and cheese instead of iced tea, no way the folks of Cincinnati would have been so honest.

Extra kudos to Chicago, where I'm surprised anybody could bend over far enough to pick up said bottle. If there's one place that likes fried fatass food more than Cinci, it's gotta be Chicago. I think one artery starts to close up when you get off the plane there.

Pudwill's Big Bang

2011-07-06T22:09:00.008-04:00

Loading the player ...

I know this post will piss Jason off b/c it's got Plan B footage in it, but it's just too good to not watch. Plus, with that wispy stache, Pudwill could be from Cincinnati. I couldn't look away.

I need to learn backside lipslides.

Birthday Explosions

2011-07-06T21:52:00.005-04:00

For the first time in years, I went down to the Mall to see the fireworks. I've kinda stayed away from there the last few years, mainly because the security has gotten out of control and it wasn't worth the hassle. Also because I didn't want to get crushed by all the morbidly obese tourists that walk in huge obese packs of obesity as SLOW AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

Anyway, I sucked it up and it was pretty fun. The fireworks were cool, because they were fireworks. Bonus was getting a creepy photo of the Monument.

Cinci Flavor

2011-07-01T08:49:00.007-04:00

On my way to lovely Northeastern Indiana last weekend (really), I was lucky enough to fly through the Queen City. Technically, I flew through Northern Kentucky, which made me feel a bit dirty, but I digress.

With an hour to spare, you know I was looking for some chili. Even though all that was available was Gold Star (the redheaded bastard stepchild to Skyline), I dove in and devoured that cinnamon-flavored slightly watery goodness in no time.

I did not feel well on the flight. Some things are worth the pain.

Speaking of Fugazi...

2011-06-29T23:19:00.008-04:00

...I had a classic DC moment a few weeks ago, but since I never write on the blog, only a few people know the story. So now I'll share.

I was skating with Senor Flynn in front of the fabled 1648 domicile on a Saturday, at a shitty spot in front of a church. It's where Flynn shot this photo of himself, but we weren't doing anything as good as that. We were just piling out and doing creaky old man ollies.

DC local and punk rock legend Ian Mackaye walked up carrying his kid and watched us skate for a few minutes. I fully fanned out and was mute at first, but finally nodded hi and tried to keep skating. It was a sad display, and ended with zero landed tricks in front of the dude who started Minor Threat.

It was a sorry skating performance, but a good DC moment regardless. Plus, his kid was pumped to see anything involving a skateboard, which was both not surprising (that kid was probably listening to punk rock in the crib) and kickass at the same time.

Wugazi

2011-06-29T23:16:00.002-04:00

This is pretty incredible. I'm not usually into the mashups, but this one is worth your listening time. It's like when they combined those two things you really liked, only better and with Fugazi involved:

Sleep Rules Everything Around Me by WUGAZI

Jeepers

2011-06-03T08:26:00.005-04:00

I don't really read Thrasher anymore (for no reason other than being lazy), but this video of Jaws hucking himself down an assload of stairs for the cover is pretty incredible.

Aaron "JAWS" Homoki - OLLIE from Birdhouse on Vimeo.

That bail makes my feet hurt. Even when he rolls away it makes my knees hurt. Well, anything more than 3 stairs makes my knees hurt.

Illo Dump

2011-05-14T16:53:00.008-04:00

I've been meaning to post these on the blog for a while now...they've been up on my flickr page (which, according to this blog, is kinda updated) for a bit. I figured after the tease it was about time to deliver.

ILL

2011-05-10T08:05:00.011-04:00

Spent the weekend in Chicago, visiting the Midwestern Martins and their child prodigy (aka Evan), who is probably posting daily on Facebook.

It was a great all-inclusive trip...met up with DC friends and saw the Reds play the Cubs at Wrigley (and lose in dramatic fashion...nice work, Cordero, you fat bastard), celebrated annieB's birthday (29), visited family and ate like a champ.

The only downers were some crap weather the one day we had outdoor plans and these really weird, super-mega-short ties the wait staff wore at Carnivale, a Brazilian-Spanish fusion place (ednote: I'm repeating the waiter verbatim) that had some kickass plantains and meatstuffs. I ignored their poor choices in neckwear and plowed through a bigass steak.

While we were there, Evan had his first documented crawl and updated his status on Facebook (ILL, which works on so many levels). His weekend was easily 2x as productive as mine, but mine had more steak. I win.

Rampsaturday, 11 a.m.

2011-05-05T10:23:00.005-04:00

Every. Dang. Day.

2011-05-03T23:43:00.008-04:00

I walk or skate past this thing on my way to and from work. It looks like it should be properly skated, but there's not really anything to do with it. It mocks me every day and needs to be put in its place.

The rail is knobby and poorly attached and that stupid pole is in the middle of the tiny amount of usable ledge space. It's not very high, so you could do some wacky tricks over it, but the run-up sucks and it dumps you out right into the street and sometimes I get sad when it rains and apparently I just don't have what it takes to conquer this spot.

On my recent silence...

2011-05-03T08:15:00.003-04:00

...It's been a heavy year, and after some of the shit that's gone on, I guess I've had a hard time finding my voice again on the blog. After Dad died I really tried to kinda power through and keep blogging, but I wasn't feeling it and have just trailed off.

You'd think with all the recent news (bin Laden killed, stupid Royal Wedding, white iPhone being released to the iPhone zombies) I'd have tons of stuff to bitch about, and you're right. For some reason I just don't feel like whining as much as I used to. I doubt that is news that ruins anyone's day.

Anyway, I don't really have a point here, just kinda coming clean about my lack of Amazing Internet Thoughts. I'm not hanging things up, just trying to get back in the groove or something. In the meantime, I'll keep at it, and I've got some photos and other stuff like that to put up here.

I'm sure the whiny know-it-all will be back before too long. Until then, enjoy the reprieve.

The Ethiopian Egg

2011-05-03T08:07:00.004-04:00

Ethiopian food is one of the kickass things I learned existed when I moved out of the Land of Chili and took up residence in DC. I'll admit it's not for everyone, though...you have to eat with your hands, which is pretty f'n gross sometimes, but I don't mind when Ethiopian food is on the table for some reason. Another case of situational ethics, I guess.

Another issue is that you'll get some food served up that you really have no idea what it is. My best advice is to grab a double handful when that happens. Just dive in and own it. I think I've eaten some animal's stomach more than once, and that ish was outstanding. Had I known it was stomach, I would not have gone forward with the eating.

One thing I always recognize, though: The Egg. For some reason, if you get one of the group platter meal things (just a shitload of food on one big tray, so multiple sets of hands can be a-grabbin'), they 'garnish' it with a gigantic hard-boiled egg. The egg is covered in all kinds of spices and sauces, and even though it's probably an Ostrich egg or something, I'm always pumped about eating that thing.

I usually have very little competition from the other diners, which rules. I'm happier when I don't have to share.

Chunky Video Dump

2011-04-05T09:11:00.005-04:00

I hate when people just post tons of videos on their blogs, but I have to add this one to the recent video smorgasbord. I've watched it about 100 times in the last 5 days, and I'm sick of digging through Hulu to find it each time.

Because I don't yet live in the Matrix.

Flying Shuttlecocks

2011-04-02T16:29:00.004-04:00

I would watch way more badminton if there were lightsabers involved:

Opening Day Heroics

2011-04-01T00:19:00.004-04:00

Afraid of being upstaged by yesterday's blog post, the Reds decided they needed a walk-off home run on Opening Day (yesterday):

I love the random guy calling it right beforehand. Go Reds.

Opening Day

2011-03-31T02:03:00.007-04:00

In honor of what amounts to a citywide Holiday in my hometown, here's a clip of Jay Bruce hitting the division-winning home run in dramatic fashion:

One pitch, bottom of the 9th, Playoffs.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a repeat. Go Reds.

64

2011-03-26T15:46:00.004-04:00

Happy Birthday Dad. Miss you a ton.

Descent Into Madness

2011-03-18T08:24:00.008-04:00

When UC fired their awesome, tracksuit-wearing head coach a few years ago (after he vomited in his car during a DUI stop), they went from being a good college basketball team that choked in the tournament every year to just a shitty team overall. Not good times.

Then they hired this little Irish fella and continued to suck.

This year, however, the sucking stopped for a bit, and they played well enough to earn a spot in the NCAA tournament. By the luck of some nationality that had a day of drinking this week, UC was playing in the DC bracket, so we scalped some tickets, snuck in a bottle of rum (b/c there's no alcohol sold at NCAA tournament games) and watched UC dismantle Missouri. I learned a few things in the process:

1. My jacket pocket easily fits a small bottle of rum
2. Missouri's mascot (a tiger) looks like Chester the Cheetah
3. Kansas fans should be dropped off a cliff
4. Lower-level seats are pretty sweet
5. Angry scalpers may tell you to 'Go Kill Yourself'
6. College band folks are just fatter high school band folks

Atop My Soap Box

2011-03-10T09:07:00.009-05:00

I'm sure by now you've all heard about the scandals at NPR uncovered by this asshat who makes up a fake organization/persona/story to get in the door, then surreptitiously (5 syllables, bitches!) videotapes his subjects to further his angry, angry conservative agenda.

My issue today isn't really with the results (that's an entirely different post), but with his methods. James O'Keefe claims to be a journalist, but he's misrepresenting himself to gain access to his subjects. In the world of journalism this is a huge no-no (and in the world of law, i'm pretty sure i read somewhere that taping someone w/o telling them is illegal). UPDATE: Turns out it's not illegal to tape someone w/o their consent. Add one more thing to the list of 'shit I talked about without having any true facts.'

He claims that it's the only way he could get this access, and he might be right. After all, who is going to do an interview with James O'Keefe besides his pals at Fox News, AEI, etc.?

The point is that the end does not justify the means. To be a journalist there are ethics you need to adhere to, and you need to at least attempt to tell both sides of the story. The problem with places like Fox News and their little bitch-boy surrogates like O'Keefe is that they have no interest in telling the news to advance public knowledge, etc...Their goal is to drive a ideological conservative agenda, even if that means lying, cheating and stealing to get to that goal.

If you agree that this is a bullshit way to create/report the news, maybe you should go over to Project Veritas (see, he used LATIN, which means he's smart and stuff. Or that he's a douchebag) and send Mr Fair and Balanced an email telling him why he's not a journalist, and how he's doing a lot of damage to true journalists by lying to gain access to subjects.

Politically-driven journalism is really not the way we want to go in this country. Look to China and other oppressed nations to see what happens when one voice controls the media. At the very least, it means you'll likely end up using IE 6 forever, and that's just plain wrong.

Illo Dump Tease

2011-03-03T21:22:00.006-05:00

During the summer of 2009, I drove with a friend from LA to DC, riding our skateboards and getting into adventures along the way. I kept a journal for most of the trip and took close to 500 photos.

At some point about a year ago I started to put the photos and text from the journal together, making a glorious photo+text art project.

I've finally finished enough of these that it feels worthwhile to do something with them, so here's the first one. I think this one is on the facebook or something, but F the facebook.

I'll probably post the rest of them later this week or this weekend in one big photo/illo dump.

I said dump.

Pick a New Name

2011-03-02T07:57:00.010-05:00

Thinking of a name for your soon-to-be daughter? Maybe you got a new dog and are one of those people who give their pets human names. John Bender has advice for you:

(Link) View more Claire Standish Sound Clips and Judd Nelson Sound Clips

F the Rodeo

2011-03-01T18:09:00.008-05:00

One more reason why I don't go to the rodeo (besides the stanky animals and men wearing chaps):

I did see a homemade video of a rodeo in Costa Rica once, and that ish was CRAZY. They had a part where a bunch of folks run out into the arena and try and chase the bull (or get the bull to chase them) through a soccer goal. Each time they get the bull through the goal, they get a point.

Only problem: IT'S A BULL. Sometimes instead of chasing and then stopping, a bull goes for chasing and then goring. I'm guessing most of those matches are low-scoring.

The Beacon

2011-02-17T09:28:00.007-05:00

I know some guys. They live in an apartment. There's a plant growing through the wall, on the windowsill, on the 3rd floor. You can see it for miles.

Ok, blocks. Maybe one block. Whatever. You can see it.

UPDATE: I forgot to add that I have one friend who can only find this apartment by looking for the plant. Hence the title 'The Beacon'. I'll get better at this blogging stuff. Promise.

Stop-Motion, Manchester Style

2011-02-16T08:44:00.004-05:00

Joy Division? Re-enacted by Legos? Yes and Yes:

I love Lego Ian Curtis' epilepsy dance at the end there.

h/t MRen

First There Was Beard

2011-02-16T08:38:00.003-05:00

I really didn't have the guts to walk around with the 'stache. Only certain men can pull that off, and it's safe to say that I'm not one of them. I did pull off a pretty sweet beard for about a month, before I shaved it off for no real reason.

It was worth it, just to get the 'stache photos. Still pissed that I shaved the beard, though. It was just coming into its own.

Don't Call it a Comeback

2011-02-15T19:56:00.003-05:00

I figured if I was going to think about rambling into the internets again, first I had to grow a mustache and post it on my blog.

Let the ramblings commence.

Saying Goodbye

2010-12-04T11:49:00.003-05:00

~~This is probably going to be my last blog post.~~

I've been struggling with how to handle this for the last week or so, and I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing even as I'm typing this out. This is such a departure from the crap that's usually on this blog that I feel like I need a disclaimer.

My dad died 3 weeks ago. He had been sick for a few months but we were supposed to have way more time to say goodbye. Things didn't go according to plans, and instead of the 12-18 months we were hoping for, we got 10 weeks. Dad died on Saturday, Nov. 13, at home with people who loved him nearby.

My dad read this blog, and I'm pretty sure he had no idea what I was talking about half the time. Which, incidentally, made him like most of the people who read this blog. He would even tell me he thought my blog was pretty weird, but it cracked him up sometimes, and he would tell his sisters about it, etc., which kinda ruled.

There were a whole lot of times I'm pretty sure he had no idea what to make of me as well, but he always got a kick out of my quick temper or my crazy-ass moods, especially if I got on a good rant when we were talking...he'd laugh kinda-quietly (he was a big man, couldn't do anything quietly, and was notoriously bad at whispering) and try to change topics, whether I wanted to quit ranting or not.

He thought it was cool that I still skated, and he'd ask me about graphic design or sports or something else that I was always talking about. He loved that I lived in a big city and would constantly make comments about how I must know more about X or Y just b/c I lived in DC. The truth is that except for skateboarding and graphic design, there weren't very many topics I could lecture him on. He was always the smartest guy in every room and the smartest person I've ever met. I always wished I could be more like him in how I dealt with people, or controlled my emotions, or whatever, but I always loved our differences and appreciated how well we got along despite being polar opposites in so many ways.

Now that he's gone, I'm kinda lost. I don't know what to make of it all, and I don't know what to do next. We all knew this day was coming when he got sick; advanced lung cancer doesn't have many survivors. The funny thing is that I thought I was ready for what was coming. Looking back, I had no idea how naive that was. The truth is that you're never ready to say goodbye to a parent, and now that he's gone, I can't believe it happened. It still seems surreal and kinda impossible that I can't just call him right now.

If you'd like to read a little more about my dad, here's his obituary. He was a great guy who had to battle through some tough things these last few years, but he fought through it all as best he could and made me proud of him. Some people can never overcome their demons, and just destroy their lives instead. Dad powered through his and taught me more than he could ever imagine along the way.

This wasn't supposed to be a full write-up about my dad, because to be honest most of that stuff isn't for anyone but me. I guess I've just written so much about my stupid life on this blog that to not write about losing dad felt like lying. Now that I've written about him, it feels like a joke to write about anything else, so I guess this is it.

Thanks for reading, commenting, and bearing with my never-ending rants for the last few years. Thanks for reading about my dad, someone most people I know have never met. And huge thanks to everyone who has reached out and supported my family and I over the last few weeks. I know some of the efforts might have seemed stupid or insignificant at the time, but I can't tell you how much we appreciated all of it.

I guess I'm saying goodbye now. I still don't know what that means.

KM

This is Why People Rip on KY

2010-11-12T09:43:00.006-05:00

Two (presumably) fat guys from Kentucky got in a fight (over a tractor, of course). The loser was forced to eat his own beard. Seriously.

WTF is wrong with you, Kentucky? Rand Paul, Mitch McConnell (def a pervy child stalker) and forced beard eating? I think it's time to burn that whole fargin state down and start over. It's a lost cause.

Shredding

2010-11-08T00:07:00.003-05:00

It was Halloween. It would have been rude to NOT wear the mask.

I Smell a Rat

2010-11-06T10:54:00.002-04:00

Seriously. I could smell this bastard as soon as I walked out the door. That's my foot in there for scale, which makes that rat about a foot long. F'n gross.

Halloween Hijinks

2010-11-05T07:55:00.004-04:00

I've written before how much Halloween kicks ass. I know lots of people think they've outgrown it or whatever, but they're wrong. They just don't have good enough costumes or a good party to go to.

I got together with Dexter, his victim, Christine O'Donnell (in witch garb), Liza Minelli (or that dude from Green Day, hard to tell) and some kind of hippie Jason Vorhees. I think they felt comforted having a Zombie Hunter with them. You can't be too safe when the undead are walking around.

Sparky Anderson (1934 – 2010)

2010-11-04T21:20:00.010-04:00

It bummed me out to read that Sparky Anderson had been in hospice care recently, and it really sucked to read that he died today.

Besides being a Hall of Fame manager (2 World Series titles with the Reds, one with the Tigers) and a Cincinnati icon (coach of the Big Red Machine, dangit), from everything I've ever read or heard, he was a super-nice guy who didn't let fame and success turn him into a douchebag.

Growing up I heard all kinds of stories about the Reds teams from the 70s. Everyone who told the stories had tons of opinions on who was the best player, the biggest asshole, the most clutch, whatever, but I don't remember anyone ever saying anything bad about Sparky. Knowing that almost everyone in Cincinnati hates almost everything makes that even more impressive.

There have been all kinds of great stories written about him today, a bunch of them re-hashing memorable quotes, etc (he was notorious for butchering grammar), but my favorite was from Pete Rose, who said, “I’d walk through hell in a gasoline suit for Sparky.”

Ninja Attack

2010-10-20T22:59:00.007-04:00

Apparently the guy who thinks he's a ninja (previous post, just scroll down to it) is coming to DC next week. I want to go, but I'm terrified. What kind of crowd is going to be at this show?

Who am I kidding? It'll be a bunch of hipsters wearing thick-framed glasses and ironically-colored shoes. They'll likely be there to make fun of this guy, what with his odd band and Hammer Pants. So I guess I'll fit right in.

For the record, the thick frames just make more sense for added protection from the elements and overall eyeglass support. Just so we're clear.

This Will Get Stuck in Your Head

2010-10-19T08:10:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure what's creepier in this video...the little elf girl and her wavy dancing, the rapper's pants or that third little fella lurking in the shadows. Regardless, I can't stop singing that creepy chorus.

Enjoy!

h/t johnny proton

Ohio Republicans

2010-09-10T20:52:00.007-04:00

I don't even know what else to say...it's just incredible. I actually thought it was Bob Huggins at first, but this is even better:

Brand New Martin

2010-09-01T08:45:00.006-04:00

No, he's not mine. Seriously.

Big congrats as a +1 has been added to the Chicago Martin's family unit. Little Evan stormed into the world on Aug. 23, weighing in at a healthy 7+ lbs. He's got all his fingers and toes, and like any good kid already has taken a few years off of Mom and Dad's lives.

Both Mom and Baby are resting and doing well, and the rest of the Martins/Moseleys can't wait to meet the little fella.

As a Martin, I'm sure that my younger/bigger brother has already told Evan that being born in Chicago does NOT excuse him from the lifelong misery of following the Reds and Bengals.

For updates on first-time parent adventures, as well as Evan's pooping, sleeping and pooping+sleeping, check out The Blog. Then come on back here for your dick jokes and fart humor.

On a side note, I got a new phone (not an iPhone) and tried to blog from it. Complete. Fail. I'll blame it on solar flares.

Cake

2010-08-28T12:09:00.005-04:00

It's been years since I've had a birthday cake, but one of the many, many perks of having a kickass girlfriend is that there was birthday cake this year.

Even better is that it was cheesecake, which rules, and it was in cupcake form, which makes it unbeatable. There's some graham cracker or something in the crust, too, and I'm not sure what else b/c I eat each one way too fast to diagram the innards.

I took a few to work and those things did not stand a chance. My boss kinda stopped talking in mid-sentence when he saw these things beckoning to him from their tupperware home. I should have asked for a raise then.

Vacation Tease

2010-08-28T11:38:00.006-04:00

On one of my two min-vacations this summer, I saw one of the biggest temptations/teases of my skateboarding life. Cape May, NJ has this seawall thing that runs parallel to the beach for pretty much the whole town. It's about chest-high, with a painted curb up top. Even though it's surrounded by some rough ground, it's fully glorious:

I brought a new setup, so I was thinking about a little mission to hit this thing up right quick. Basically throwing away my chances at Boyfriend of the Year, but it would be unholy to ignore this spot, right? It had to be skated.

I checked out the wall when we were walking to the beach and back, and I never saw anybody skate it, which seemed odd for something so obviously kickass. Even more odd, there were no wheel marks or anything on the wall. It looked like it had never been skated.

I got suspicious, and then it started raining, so I missed my window anyhow. After I got back to DC, I was reading a skate mag and found an interview with a skater from near Cape May talking about how it's a total bust to skate anywhere near the sea wall, cops are crazy there, you get arrested, etc...

So good thing I bailed on it, although I think I still could have gone for a late-night mission if it didn't rain. At least I'm still in the running for Top BF 2010.

35, dangit

2010-08-14T18:06:00.002-04:00

That's right. 35 years on earth for me.

If you're keeping score at home, that means I'm winning.

Hot as Hades

2010-08-13T10:24:00.007-04:00

Some people call it Hell, I call it Hades.

It's been way hot all week, but the heat actually had nothing to do with melting this cup. That is the dishwasher's fault, or the cup-maker's (who is a dirty liar for putting 'dishwasher safe' on these cups).

I call it the Guggenheim cup. I can still drink out of it, and now it's got a perfect pouring mechanism going, if I ever need to pour anything out of it.

I'm not working today, and hoping to skate. If you're working, I hope you're not working very hard.

Dirtier Jerz

2010-08-09T19:20:00.006-04:00

AnnieB insisted I see some of Jersey's dirty side before our vacay was over, so we stopped by Wildwood on our way out.

It was indeed dirty, with lots of bad tattoos. It was also fixin' to rain. I was kinda grumpy that day, but still managed to give a point in current Jersey resident HP's honor before leaving to 'make good time' or some garbage. I'm a whiner sometimes.

All Gussied Up

2010-08-07T13:43:00.003-04:00

Besides being a traveler of New Jersey, I also hired some guys to make my kitchen look less shitty. I won't put all the before and after photos on here, but if you want to see how they un-shitified the place I make Hot Pockets, you can check out my photos on flickr.

Jersey Vacay

2010-08-07T13:23:00.005-04:00

Wow. It's been a while since I got on this blogging internet site. Between a few vacations, busy work ish, etc., I guess the blog has taken a back seat.

To update, my toilet is now fixed, and I only got kinda heckled by the plumber. Best outcome possible, really.

Even better, I had a kickass vacation in a fancy part of Jersey (who knew?) called Cape May. AnnieB for some reason decided it would be fun to spend a few days with me on a beach, so off to Jersey we went.

For my first time in a Bed & Breakfast, I was pretty impressed. The house was this Victorian place, a few blocks from the beach, and it was way nice. I was figuring it would be continental breakfasts, and I was wrong. Fresh cooked kickass breakfasts every day. Win. Win.

When it rained, we had chairs on our balcony. They rocked.

Stupid Home Ownership

2010-07-22T21:15:00.002-04:00

This week has sucked for me to be owning a home. Ok, that's a little extreme. But it hasn't been that much fun.

First my A/C broke. Then it got fixed. Yay!

My toilet has been running at random times (i.e., not just after I flushed it), so I consulted the internets and my brother-in-law, a Guy Who Knows These Things. Both agreed it was The Flapper that needed to be replaced.

I got the model number, went back to the internets, typed in said model number, and got the type of replacement flapper I needed. I bought this flapper. Came home to install.

It's not even close to being the right replacement part. Damn. You. Flapper.

Apparently, I have some super-exotic toilet, that has this thing instead of a normal flapper.

Next step will be to call a plumber, who will likely fix this in 10 seconds. And give me condescending looks. Whatevs. I already know he's better than me, so we can get that outta the way.

Assface TV Guy

2010-07-20T21:38:00.006-04:00

Yeah, when you're kinda fat, and not that quick, and not on a skateboard, maybe don't wander onto the ramp while everyone is skating. Assface.

That being said, skate camps are stupid. Get out on the rough, mean streets of suburban midwestern cities, like we had to do.

Check out that kid at the very end. He learned after watching Orange Grimace plow over his buddy and bailed way early.

A/C FU

2010-07-19T20:42:00.011-04:00

Walked in the house tonight to no working A/C in the living room. See, I live in a building that was built at a time when they thought those crappy hotel units that are built into the walls were a good idea. They were wrong. Those things suck.

I have one of those things in my living room. I don't like it very much.

It's usually loud, and makes some weird noises, but it works like a champ. At least it did right up through this morning. Now it doesn't.

I also have two new lamps that need special bulbs, so I bought them today. I dropped and broke one after the heater quit working. Kick. Ass.

It's pretty hot in DC these days. A/C would be nice. Instead I'm just going to sit here quietly and try to hold off the full-on berserker rampage. Maybe I'll take a walk, run a few errands or something...

iPhone News of the Week

2010-07-13T20:01:00.006-04:00

Wow. For the best phone ever made, the new iPhone isn't so popular with Consumer Reports.

I'm sure Campbell thinks it's all still a conspiracy. And I'm sure Steve Jobs still thinks you're doing it wrong.

Meanwhile, the DroidX comes out Thursday or something. Just sayin...

Vote for Votto

2010-07-06T16:42:00.003-04:00

Reds first baseman (and Canadian citizen) Joey Votto needs your help. See, for some reason, even though he's leading the NL in home runs, in the top 5 (total guess) in RBIs and batting average, and playing for the NL Central-leading Reds, he's not on the All-Star team.

You can help change this.

Instead of looking for amputee porn or video of fat people falling down the stairs, go to this link and sign up. you can put in a fake email or one you never use, then just put in the stupid code to prove you're not a bot. After that rigorous process, you can vote 2,000 times.

If you want to be nice and vote for someone from the AL, go for Kevin Youkilis. He might play for the assface Red Sox, but he's from Cincinnati and graduated from the same hallowed high school as the author of this blog.

Contractor Time

2010-06-30T09:12:00.003-04:00

My place is getting an upgrade, so I've been dealing with contractors a bunch lately. As a result, I'm learning that how you measure time really varies based on your line of work.

For example...the Cable Guy. He lives in 4-hour windows. No way that guy is ever on time for anything in his personal life. He's probably missed entire sporting events b/c of that 4-hour window.

Then there's the Doctor...add at least 30 minutes to everything with the doctor. Appointment at 3? You'll see the doctor no earlier than 3:30. Same applies to picking up prescriptions, calling to get lab results, etc...and if you REALLY get hurt, and have to go to the hospital, add about 3 hours to everything. And prepare to wear bad smocks and other paper clothes.

Contractor Time isn't as bad as Cable Guy time, mainly b/c the Contractor has to show up to get paid. The Cable Guy gets paid by the hour, and probably watches porn on your tv when you're in the other room.

But still, Contractor Time has a built-in curve...i think it's a +50% curve. So, a one-day job takes 1.5 days, etc...I'm not real good with the numerals and math and such, but I think that's about right.

Staying Slim

2010-06-26T10:08:00.005-04:00

I've been preaching the gospel of Langhorne Slim for a little bit now, and I got a chance to go see him play a few weeks back with my ladyfriend. It was an incredible show, and we had the bonus of seeing him at a small venue, which was even cooler.

The guy can just play. He's got stage presence and all that, which adds to the show, but beyond all that, he's got skills, his band has skills (the dude on the banjo was incredible), and it's a different sound, something between bluegrass and folk music.

If you like some twangy mountain music, I'd suggest checking this dude out. And if you like wooden humanoids traversing the earth, I'd watch this video:

DR

2010-06-26T09:45:00.004-04:00

This one is pretty overdue, but earlier this month I jumped on a plane for the Caribbean to see my good friend and Ohio native JBanks marry the super-rad MAdams down in the Dominican.

For some reason, I only took 5 photos when I was there. I think it's b/c I roomed with the wedding photographer, and I didn't wanna get my stupid point-and-shoot out while he had all this kickass photo gear. I think I felt inadequate.

But enough about me. The wedding was incredible, the resort was real purty, and the weather was hot as hell. Luckily there was a beautiful beach nearby, a gigantic pool in our resort, and part of the 'all inclusive' deal was all the alcohol we could pour down our gullets. Win-Win-Win.

As a bonus, I learned about the shandy, which I've been pushing on everyone I see in DC. Most people think I'm crazy, and my brother thinks it's a less-than-manly beer. I'm still sticking with it, but you have to get the mixture correct. Two parts beer to 1 part lemonade is my mixture so far. To be honest, it's beer. It's pretty hard to screw it up.

Big congrats to J&M on their wedding. I was pumped to be a part of it and glad to make my first trip to the Caribbean.

Oil

2010-06-26T09:37:00.003-04:00

My brother and his wife were visiting our moms down in Florida, and I don't know if you've heard about this, but apparently there's some oil in the water there or something.

In case people forget, there's this handy reminder by the pool:

iFail

2010-06-25T15:19:00.002-04:00

The iPhone, a phone that is a sweet computer but a shitty phone, just got a little shittier in its newest version.

Apparently, the new kickass antennae, which was supposed to solve all the dropped calls, doesn't like to be touched by human hands. The problem is that the antennae is actually, um, part of the case. The part where you grip it while talking or checking your awesome apps. That's gonna cause some problems.

I love Apple's response: "Buy a case, or hold it differently." That Steve Jobs guy is really becoming a dick. Maybe he's still hoping the Lisa is coming back...

Just because it makes me feel good, here's a guy shooting an iPhone with a sniper rifle, in super slo-mo:

My corner

2010-06-24T21:50:00.005-04:00

I'm doing some work on my place (I'm actually not doing anything, but the guys I hired are busting ass) and because of the demolition of the kitchen, my free space in the living room is down to a few feet. But I've got my laptop, a coffee maker and a mini-fridge. Problems solved.

The Skullet

2010-06-24T19:58:00.006-04:00

I didn't even know the Skullet was a real thing. One more reason to be pumped about my nephew. He's rocking the Skullet proudly, and has no idea just how badass he actually is.

More Soccer

2010-06-23T15:47:00.006-04:00

The US won today, which was huge...the bigger question is what's wrong with the pansy-ass Algerian player who slapped a reporter after the match. I bet he flopped when she slapped him back, only to miraculously recover in 10 seconds.

What a bitch (the player!), even for a soccer player...he had 90 minutes to hit a man and instead takes a shot at a female reporter after the game.

Hopefully he gets a red card...of death! That sounded funnier in my head.

I did have the video up here of the winning goal, but FIFA sucks and they blocked it from YouTube or something. I blame the French.

Soccer

2010-06-14T22:51:00.010-04:00

The Simpsons figured it out:

And really, it's not that I hate soccer. I even tried to get into the big US vs England match on Saturday, but holy shit that sucked. It was like watching 10-year-olds play in the 2nd half, and after all that hype it ends in a tie? I'm sorry, but ties are garbage. It's not a moral victory, ok? It's a little bit better than a loss, but that's it.

Seriously, how can you have such a huge, momentous sporting event, something so big it only happens every 4 years, and after you play for 90 minutes, both teams just say, "ok, that was fun" and it's over. LAME. Sports that (regularly) end in ties are a ripoff, and an abomination. I'm assuming in later rounds it goes to penalty kicks or something, but it's soccer, so maybe not. Maybe they just shake hands and wish each other well.

I think they should go to some kind of dueling after regulation is up. Goalie vs Goalie, Striker vs Striker, etc...until it's coach vs coach. I think the US Coach could kill a man with his bare hands. England's coach? His name is Fabio. You decide.

Shock your face

2010-06-14T08:23:00.006-04:00

I think this thing is supposed to make you look better somehow by exercising your facial muscles, but it looks like you're just getting ready to go on a killing spree.

I guess that would have some health benefits too, right? Elevated heart rate (cardio workout), a little problem solving...maybe Jason was just working out when he started terrorizing Crystal Lake.

via Time's 50 worst inventions.

A beautiful morning

2010-06-13T22:19:00.005-04:00

There's only a few things I'd like to see first thing in the morning more than bacon. Wash that ish down with a glass of milk, maybe make a BLT later with some mayo on it...

I know some people who don't like mayo or milk or bacon. They are crazy, and they're wrong. Sorry. Bacon, mayo and milk are the world's way of telling you it's going to be a great day. Don't argue with the world.

Sightings

2010-06-13T12:26:00.009-04:00

A 3-day weekend of skating, going to stupid hipster bars, skating, and watching the World Cup culminated on Saturday with a positive sighting of my favorite head scar and the newly-wedded Jbanks .

I then ended Saturday with a healthy slam at one of the dirtiest spots of all time. Seemed about right.

Summer Style

2010-06-09T21:53:00.003-04:00

Good graphic on this Rick Howard pro skateboarder model by Girl. It's my newest skateboard and it's good to unleash it on the world.

I've actually been skating it for a few weeks now, but I don't think anyone cares. It has more scrapes and less paint than in this photo.

Style Points

2010-06-07T23:40:00.005-04:00

When I was in Japan a few years ago I saw a truly incredible fanny pack. I've really tried to document the top dogs in the fanny pack kingdom ever since, and I may have a winner.

This thing was basically a backpack on this guy's ass. It had at least 3 compartments, and multiple zippers on each compartment. Plus there were hooks and shit on the front and sides, and he had extra stuff hanging off of those. He looked like he was ready to shimmy up the side of a mountain and bolt in.

He was wearing a fire department shirt, but I'm betting he's the guy the other firemen make stomp on the bag of burning poo. No way he's steering the ladder wearing that gear.

Not to be outdone...

2010-06-07T23:33:00.003-04:00

...Cincinnati had to prove it could suck just as badly as Kentucky, and went ahead and painted over a kickass mural.

I know it was the owner's property, so they can change their mind and paint over it blah blah blah. I don't really care. All I know is that whatever was on that wall was suckier than the kickass mural. Plus, I'm guessing Madisonville's Spectrum Nightclub wasn't exactly the must-see spot in town.

I know this news is a few weeks old, but I'm not exactly Mr. Current Events. I don't know much about the new iPhone either. Because iPhones are stupid.

Another Reason Kentucky Blows

2010-05-24T08:49:00.008-04:00

I know I don't exactly take it easy on KY too often, but that's because most of the time Kentucky sucks. Being from Ohio, I'm not going to pretend Ohio doesn't suck, because it does. It's just that Kentucky sucks worse.

Case in point: My hometown (Cincinnati), gets kickass street artist guy Shepard Fairey to come in town and paint some murals around town. They talk to local businesses owners and find some people willing to dontate the side of their buidlings. Everyone agrees, murals are painted, everyone wins.

And then Kentucky comes in. The guy in Covington (Northern Kentucky) who agreed to let his building have a mural painted on it decides it's too controversial and thinks the image (a child soldier holding a machine gun) promotes kid violence. So he had it painted over. Total douche move.

Maybe if the child soldier was wearing cutoff denim shorts it would have been deemed ok for Kentucky.

Slammin Beats

2010-05-15T20:34:00.006-04:00

x

There's so many questions here, but I'll start with the poor transition from Conga into the Phil Collins jam. The biggest question, of course, is why she doesn't move ONE INCH while he's going all punching bags on her, um, punching bags.

I'm guessing he a) does this often and b) likely changes his punch pattern for each song.

Keyboard Cat is also confused.

Oxford, Smoxford

2010-05-13T07:56:00.008-04:00

It's been a good year for the OU Bobcats (my alma mater) in the news, even when they're not in the news. Try and keep up here...

When I was picking colleges, there were two schools of thought for staying in Ohio; I could either go to a school with a city campus (UC, OSU) or a college town (OU, Miami). Miami of Ohio was the uppity, we-don't-wear-sweats-to-class, bourgeoisie option (at least as much as that's possible in Ohio), and Ohio U was the hippie school that riots when they close the bars early.

If you've been reading this blog, you know which direction I went.

So it brought me so much pleasure to learn that Miami's much-heralded Greek community apparently can't hold their liquor, or their feces, when it's time to party. Apparently a few cases of crappy beer makes their frat boys/sorority girls a hot mess of puking, fornicating debauchery, and it's all public record. Outstanding.

At OU, that shit would just be another weekend. But apparently at Miami good times=poop party. At Ohio we (usually) use the indoor plumbing when it's time for #2. Stupid Redhawks.

Here's a non-censored version of the story, with a letter of complaint from the poor lady trying to protect the lodge area from all the flying poo, urine, vomit and other internal fluids.

Tragic

2010-05-04T10:47:00.005-04:00

Check out this satellite photo of the ever-growing oil slick, courtesy our friends at British Petroleum. Good thing that we'll be drilling more and more of these wells off the Eastern seaboard.

Everything you see that's reddish-brown is oil. Keeping in mind that this photo is from 400 miles above the earth, all i can say is holy shit that's a lot of oil:

photo via GeoEye

Max Jargon

2010-05-01T01:07:00.007-04:00

I would kill to talk like this. Ok, not kill. Maim.

I have no idea what he's talking about; it could all be actual things and systems (unlikely), or it could all be ball bearings. Either way it's incredible.

Editing

2010-04-29T23:21:00.005-04:00

A few dramatic cuts, a happy voiceover, and some heartwarming background music:

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod

2010-04-29T00:04:00.012-04:00

Never once, while playing Super Mario Bros., did I ever think, "What would happen if the guy (girl) from Metroid took over, with all of her kickass Metroid powers?" It's a good thing I never dared to entertain this kind of thinking, because I don't think my brain could have handled the idea. It would have been too much.

And now it's happened. Seriously, I should just quit my job now. I don't know how I'm ever going to stop playing this game. Finding out about shit like this at midnight should be illegal. No wonder I have sleeping problems.

On a side note, did anyone know the guy from Contra's name was Bill? Isn't that kinda disappointing? He should have been named Snake or Hacksaw or something.

That sound you just heard? It was my head exploding. Thank you again for the internet, Al Gore.

In Hole

2010-04-28T09:37:00.004-04:00

It's not hard to see why this cracked me up (b/c it has 'hole' in it, which is kinda like 'butts' except it's dirtier. pun intended), so I saved it to post the next time I, um, blogged. I hate that word as a verb. It's not as bad as tweeted, but it still kinda sucks.

Anyway, I'm a dork and listen to baseball on internet radio sometimes. Since there's nothing to see (a major drawback that radio struggles with), MLB.com puts little graphics and stats and stuff up there. Including who is coming up next.

The picture of Dan Uggla with the 'In Hole' tag was a nice fit. He looks pretty 'yeah bro' about being In Hole, and who can blame him?

Poor Timing on the Trash Talk

2010-04-21T10:07:00.005-04:00

I like talking shit as much as anyone else. But you really have to pick your spots well to talk trash properly.

I don't follow boxing much, so I don't know who these guys are, or whether this fight happened recently or years ago. The Google could tell me these things, but let's be honest: I'm too lazy to check.

What I do know is that this dude posed one time too many before getting his bell rung. Nothing like watching a good uppercut make someone wobbly:

Naux More Faux

2010-04-19T23:25:00.009-04:00

See what I did there? With the tricky headline? Pretty neat.

So it's been warming up here, and people are taking off their heavy coats, wool hats, etc., and sporting the spring/summer styles. For the most part this is a good thing. But I'm seeing fauxhawks everywhere, and that shit has to stop. Seriously.

I've got friends (ok, one friend) who sports the fauxhawk sometimes, but he wears soccer jerseys, too, so I think he gets a pass for being semi-European or something. He also has two (2!) poodles. But that's a post for another day.

The Mohawk is not to be trifled with. That's all I'm saying. A watered-down, GAP-friendly version of it is an affront to punk rock. And for the record, Green Day, Linken Park, Blink-182, etc., is not punk rock, so it's not ok if they wear fauxhawks. Oh, and get off my damn lawn.

To review....

PROPER:

FAILURE:

This is Probably a Warning Sign...

2010-04-13T19:12:00.009-04:00

Sometimes I don't sleep so well (including last night), and i guess it affects my behavior.

I'm sure it was a total coincidence my ladyfriend made this and sent it to me today. Looks like my excuses about the Jason-style hockey mask in my closet didn't reassure her, either:

I Think He's Gonna Pork Her

2010-04-12T08:38:00.004-04:00

From the Straight Lurkin' files, Tokyo-based artist Kohei Yoshiyuki has earned legendary criddler status by sneaking around a park in Tokyo and taking pictures of couples making out, etc.

I'm not sure who the other guys in the frames are, but they are full-on Park Lurkers in my mind. If I was in SF this week I would totally go see this, just so I could point at art and giggle.

via WBE

Fox News: Fair, Balanced, and kinda Stoned?

2010-04-12T08:26:00.003-04:00

Sheppard Smith & Co. over at the RNC's TV station seemed to know quite a bit of the pot smoker lingo. Add that to the really uncomfortable exchange after he blurts out 'I heard it was a one-hitter!', and I think they might have both puffed down before the show:

50% Beard, 100% Amazing

2010-04-05T22:43:00.005-04:00

I'm not sure why Nate had to shave half his beard last Friday, but I'm pretty glad he did. Maybe it was because he had a roommate move out that day and was feeling empty, thus only half of his former self.

Maybe it was because he spent more than half his day helping that roommate move, without reward of beers and/or foodstuffs afterwards, so he was feeling halfway unappreciated.

Regardless, I'm happy he decided to shave that day. I'm even more glad that he didn't kill me after I took these photos. Because I always figured if I saw a dude with this look in his eye it would be the last thing I ever saw.

Marcellus Wallace

2010-04-01T14:05:00.006-04:00

I love when the internet answers questions for me. Or at least makes the questions look cooler and funnier:

via the oatmeal

It's Springtime

2010-03-31T19:01:00.003-04:00

At least it feels like spring today. And you know what that means? It means Ryan wants you to have some Rita's.

Slim

2010-03-30T19:24:00.001-04:00

Everyone's gotta check out Langhorne Slim. F*cking incredible. I've been listening to this guy non-stop the last few days, and his music gets me so pumped up I wanna do karate kicks in the street:

New Setup

2010-03-27T18:14:00.006-04:00

In honor of the spring solstice (not really), I'm sporting a whole new setup...here's the spring line:

shoes: Adidas
deck: Chocoloate/7.81
trucks: Thunder Hollows (hollow axles & kingpins, like bird bones)
bearings: Bones Swiss, bitches
wheels: Convoy/54mm

Breaking in the new trucks is always a bitch, but at least I got it outta the way today, and put a few marks on the board so I don't feel like Special Agent Utah at the next spot.

Shower Coffee

2010-03-27T12:01:00.004-04:00

Some mornings, when I decide it's warranted, I reward myself with a truly special gift: Shower Coffee.

I figured that the shower is pretty kickass, and coffee also kicks ass. Instead of forcing myself to enjoy these pleasures individually, I decided to try combining them. It is glorious. It also lets me multi-task while not really doing anything. That's a daily goal.

The only required materials are fresh coffee, a cup (preferably plastic, for safety's sake), and a shelf that's above the Water Zone in your shower.

The great thing is that it's not limited to coffee. Tea and beer are also acceptable shower drinks, in the right circumstances. I haven't figured out the full list of rules yet.